The doctor came into the small room where we sat and said they had tried everything they could. No. No. NO. It isn't real. I fell to my knees and wrapped my arms around the doctor's legs. I will give you everything I have and cut my arms and legs off if you will go and try one more time. You tried 7 times? If it were your son or daughter would you have stopped? Carmen I need you my husband said. I can't. If I do it will be real. This isn't real. This isn't happening. My body seemed to separate. As I walked away parts of me were flaking off and shards were left everywhere. The marrow of my bones ached. There was a hole in the center of my body . There was a physical pain. Parts of me ripping out and I didn't care. I didn't care if I ate or drank or brush my teeth. There were no words, smiles, clear thoughts just a pain that was never meant to be felt.