I said what I did wrong, no, not what I did by mistake! I'm trying to express what I said by mistake. I feel the need to explain everything clearly so that there is no misunderstanding again and I do not think that what I did was wrong. Well, if a person is not lying, why does need to explain so much? To convince your own mind or to smack the other person's stupidity in your face? We are actors and we forget that those who watch us on stage can notice everything. An outside eye, that's all I need. I am so suffocating in my own breath in the rooms that I close myself that I have forgotten that there is fresh air outside. The smell of my own sweat, the smell of the decaying leaves of flowers thirsty for air, the gases released into the air by dying creatures in the soil in the pot, the smell of the cat's mouth lying under my feet... All of them are wandering in the warm air of the room.



There are reasons for me to be so hard on myself, to be cruel to my muscles that are crushed under my own weight. I can be cruel to myself the most, it is the easiest way to do this. Because it takes more energy to hurt others and make them suffer. Eating crises, crying crises, creation crises, living crises... I carry a heart where everything turns into a crisis. My left arm goes numb, I smell things that aren't around, but it has nothing to do with the stale air in the room. The wall I have to tear down is right behind me, this wall that opens onto the garden. I must knock it down and go barefoot into the garden, water the ground and lie on it. I must smell the stones and the grass, turn my heart into a mine that will never lose its value.

July, 2023 paper collage // by Demon Ego