Consequence represents a challenge in long term sobriety that deeply resonated with me when I experienced it in the fall of 2025.
I had been leaning on muscle relaxers to relieve physical pain in my back/shoulder, which led to me leaning on it for falling into a deeper sleep, and eventually feeling withdrawal type effects before going out to look for aurora on one particular night.
The angst of not feeling in control, coupled with the sweats & shakiness, brought back a lot of emotions from my addiction, and it was really eye opening. I hadn't experienced those sensations or symptoms in a really long time, and it made me realize I'd begun to essentially replace alcohol with the muscle relaxers.
The fact it organically happened, then snuck up on me with similar feelings of when I experienced intense alcohol withdrawals, made me realize how critical it is to not get complacent after six years of sobriety. It also reaffirmed how sneaky addiction can still be in long term recovery, even when the initial substance of choice is no longer present in life.
"The shakiness, dizziness, nausea, and a familiar void of warmth….. ….this was a consequence of many days, many weeks, and many months…. ….to feel it again now after such a long time is terrifying.
Reminders and recalls dominate in these moments. I reflect on every morning, if I woke in time to see daylight, and my presence of mind is clouded.
Every afternoon, every churn inside my body, the loss of clear judgement…
…then every evening, shakiness that finally leveled when that dark world resurfaced.
But why now? After all this time, why this feeling that all I’ve done is sought a replacement to connect with? ….it’s a stark reminder of what once was, and what must be done again.
A series of memories, prominence, and prevalence… ….a terrifying reminder of a world may never truly be forgotten.
And a call to action - regardless of consequence."
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‘Book iii - Limen’ ‘Limen’ - a threshold or border between one thing and another….
Bridging thresholds & borders, transitioning from one to another, being in an in-between state…all of these represent the Latin word Limen, serving as the title of my third book & collection of aurora images on Ethereum.
Being in-between one state and another has always been symbolic for me when chasing the aurora, especially since my sobriety journey is deeply rooted in it. I’m somewhere between short term and long term recovery now, with six years under my belt, and still navigating highs & lows that come with the journey.
I’m also in a period of transition with getting back to chasing. The last three winters saw an unreliable car stay unreliable, and financial challenges from my time in addiction needed to be addressed. I chose to consciously focus on the priorities of paying down some debt, while working toward a new to me car, and grieving family members that passed on during that time as well.
In those couple of winters that I couldn’t chase, I learned a ton about myself as my recovery continues. I’ve been there for others in their darkest hours, had some pretty dark moments myself, and discovered the importance of active amends…. …which brings me to an in-between state, fitting for my third book, ‘Limen.’
I want to stay open, vulnerable, and continue building on the provenance established in 2021 with my first collection (Book I - Expressions of Presence). I also want to keep exploring the highs, lows, and everything in-between through the writing that accompanies the images. Covering things like incidentally remembering the feelings of withdrawal, secondary trauma, stigmas of addiction, and the unknowns of the long term are all pieces of my journey that I want to share. Fundamentally, I strive to share the experiences and journey in hopes that others may find connection, meaning, or solace in them in a meaningful way.