Undefined Disorders 2nd Era: The Disorder of Creating a Chaos Where I Can Easily Find What I Am Looking For
I have a desktop where I arrange everything according to my own sense of order, lining things up without worrying about what stands in front of or behind them. There is a kind of order within the chaos, and a balance between the chaos and the order. Only I decide where the colors should be placed; everything else finds its place over time. I allow the connections and the pluralities between the objects to emerge on their own. It doesn’t matter what materials the objects are made of, but I do pay attention to them not being too soft or having overly sharp edges. Living within these two extremes and establishing my own order has always been important to me. I am satisfied with the relationships and connections between the objects I can play with when I reach out and the ones that won’t disturb me when I look at them.
Staring at a wall has never been important to me, but I could have preferred to look outside through a window. I had that once, but back then my attention would scatter too easily, watching people passing by, birds perched on trees, or residents in tall buildings moving furniture, eating meals, or watching TV. Now, thinking while looking at an empty wall is much easier for me; trying to create meanings in the void created by a massive surface offers a calmer process. Being able to create without seeing anyone or being seen by anyone keeps my mind cleaner and more focused.
My desktop remains as minimal as it needs to be. Even a tiny eraser scrap can bother me in this order where I cannot tolerate anything catching my eye or hands apart from what I intend to create. I am working toward establishing this simplicity across my entire life — I want to live as free of excess and as organized as my desktop. If you were to see me walking down the street or sitting in a coffee shop, you would almost feel like you were seeing me in the act of creating. At least, that’s true for everything I am able to organize outside of my own body. As for the things I cannot change, they have never had a place in my mind anyway.
May, 2025 by Demon Ego
