no5ay_: Stage Fright

Stage Fright / 01-29-22 by Daniel Jerome NO5AY_ collection 2022 4000x5000, 300ppi Digital Abstract Paint Expressionism

Some may say that the world is your stage. Your reality to create. Your play or movie to perform in. When I leave home or step out onto this stage. The sky's light shines brightly, directly in my sight. Everything in front of me is a blur or a shadow in the distance of my mind's eye. I am filled with the anxiety that all will end in disaster. The wrong lines will be said. I will forget action & ruin the direction + flow of all scenes. Because of these selected scenes being repeated in my head. It makes it difficult to step out on stage & see the world...the people..the experiences. It blinds me from a brighter future or to be able to see it through. Unable to trust the courageous me that already know's what it wants. Instead, I stay in touch with the fear driven moments I've had before. I really do not leave my room often. I usually avoid meeting with others. Talking directly with anyone. The anxiety of performance anxiety already feels more true & real than completing the performance itself.

Why have I chosen to hold myself at such a standard? I know it's not what I desire, so how did it get there? Which directors along the way made me feel inadequate & filled my worries with misfortune? Normally leave home only for appointments...and today there is an engagement I must attend. Spent yesterday creating this portrait of a singular thought. Most of the time I start with one & cover every possibility that pops up. Kind of stuck to one idea this time because it was enough...I've had enough. Learning to unlearn & relearn..