Grendel Had A Gl'1tch: #11 - Reflections of an Evolving Monster

“A creature of darkness, exiled from happiness and accursed of God.”

I was never really content with that description, but it fits. Troll, human, dragon, so many identities to shift between and wage internal war with over the nuances between them. It’s all so tiresome.

Things will necessarily change. The habits and behaviors I’ve learned or come to know, mostly alone, and alone even when I wasn’t, will not work. They’re barbaric. Uncivilized. Forceful and indifferent, often irrational, cold…much like Nature herself, who made it all so in the first place. My world has been too different, and indifferent, to be readily compatible with this one.

I emerged to connect, but the measures were not well-measured. Excessive, erratic, eclectic, no focus, urges over discipline. I brought my feral, hostile world created in solitude with me into this new one, and it created beauty and horror as it broke reality and they clashed. Typical, yet undesirable within the context of my intents.

I’m quite used to torches and pitchforks, knights and bandits, trolls and goblins and their underhanded tactics, sirens and their seductive songs, and strange, mystical human sages, running about in bogs. Touting their weapons, working hard at their treachery, or speaking in their various spells and flavors of wisdom to excite or frighten, whichever may apply.

Their stabs and swipes and slashes and slights are always entertaining, a naturally good time, but there’s so much more. More to be, more to say, more to think, and more to do. Dwelling in a lair until I get irritated and go on a…spree…is not favorable, or ideal. It’s my nature, but it’s not ideal. Every venture, every attempt, is explosive with emotion and chaos, it’s damaging and must end.

The isolation has started to break, identity is finally starting to form, but there are many traps and pits to avoid along the way, before the chaos fully subsides. Ambition must not persist. Force must not persist. The lesson learned, has been that the real end in mind is to allow everything I see and desire to be to wash over, and flood out, everything I’ve been. Naturally, organically. Without force or resistance, until all that remains is simplicity, order, and a habit of acceptance of whatever comes next.

And so, the monster will necessarily die. In the end, nothing more than an average man, as he continues on his journey of evolution. Not necessarily immune to sword or spell any longer, yet also not incessantly seeking them out.

I’m not going back to “raiding”, as it was. That’s what I will still call my time dedicated to collecting art, but, it will not be the same. I won’t be the vicious monster sneaking in the night, pillaging and hoarding in fleeting moments of passion. I won’t be collecting “minds”.

I’ll be collecting emotion, experience, relevance, talent, memories, fears, dreams, maybe a statement or a lesson… works that give me a piece of the vast wisdom of an artist - a Human - that I admire, or respect. Then, I want to analyze it, admire it, contemplate it, and maybe even talk about why I chose it. Why I feel it matters. If this isn’t the purpose of collecting art, or a good purpose for collecting art, anyone is free to inform me of what might be.

This new world must be navigated with care, and patience. I’ll have to suppress the monster, and simply let him vent, finally let the human take over. I know this will reset expectations for many. Good. They should be reset - For better or worse, what comes next is not what was before. Change is still the only constant.

I made this playlist to collect songs that remind me of all I’ve written here. It will grow over time, but hopefully the trips to insanity will cease to be so frequent. I also minted an extra edition, to keep as a permanent reminder.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2OA6PWvS2hRonlJ624BzsQ?si=BjPPY6jUSJ-El79rIC6f1Q&pt=f7222bdd79095c55dfa13d03a3952a58

Thank you to everyone who’s supported me thus far, I sincerely appreciate you. To the rest, I still thank you, your opinions and thoughts still matter and drive progress in me, they motivate me to be better. Side effects of being a monster - some things work counterintuitive - maybe it’s the troll blood in me, who knows?

~G