Demonic Experiments: Among What is Visible

It was like being forced to laugh at something that was not funny, like having to silence everyone so that a comedian whose words had been cut off could finish their performance. It was like watching the ugly and disgusting sight left behind by a passing horse carriage. With these words I can explain the pain of looking at you and the nausea I cannot put into words. I want you to hear what I did to rid myself of you, I noted each one down and kept them for you. I wrote them with pens that cannot be erased so that they would never be erased from your mind. I am still surprised that it all began with me not being able to look at you and feeling disgusted by you, I wish I could erase this unfortunate coincidence from history, from my personal history. Honestly, I would like to erase you too and throw the dust left behind from you down a cliff. Like in a funny scene in a movie, maybe the wind would blow that dust into my face, mouth, and nose, but that is fine. After that moment I would be ready to laugh.

I remember when my mind first began to break down, I know it will not surprise you because that moment that disrupted my life began again with seeing you. As if I did not already have enough troubles, I also tried to be for you, like you, and as much as you. You always seemed insufficient to me but even so I opened new folders for you in the time I wasted so freely. Before putting those folders away, I carefully cleaned them, took notes on them, and marked them with pens of different colors to indicate they belonged to separate moments. I cannot blame you, I was the one who chose to create all that care. In doing so, I assigned special meanings to you and wanted you to leave me special moments within my time and my process. I should have realized this was a one-sided bond, but I chose not to see it, I chose to deceive myself. On top of that, I planted meaningless flowers that I thought would bloom on their own or that perhaps I expected you to nurture. I watched them wither and dry. I witnessed how you never looked at me, never touched me, never heard me. While I had given control of my lived time to you, I watched as the things I could not control destroyed me. I should have believed in you, not in myself.

August, 2025 by Demon Ego