Searching For A Save Point (Continued...): In Process, By Design (Voicememo's, Outtakes & Final Version)

I recently recovered data from an old phone that had some of the original voice memo's from September 2014, when I was upstate Newyork writing my verse for this song. I created a 12 minute mix of those voice memos and added both some vocal outtakes of the actual recording session and end the mix with the final, so you hear the process as it happened in real time.

CATALOG WORKS 1/1 DESCRIPTION / BACKSTORY BELOW:

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"By Design" also known as "Track 37: Dutchmassive"" Year created: 2014 Written & Performed by: Dutchmassive Cuts / Scratches: DJ Mekalek Recorded by: Sam The Sleezbag @ Yetiville, NY Mixed & Mastered by: Dutch & Sam The Sleezbag Album: #SleezbagMekalekTape Track: 37 Released: August 19, 2016 Label: Sleezbag Records (f.k.a. Yetiville)

https://samthesleezbag.bandcamp.com/album/sleezbagmekalektape

Lyrics:

[Verse 1 – Dutchmassive]

"Hello, Hi, Handshakes, High five's / Peace, Namaste, (Smoke Bombs) No goodbyes / exit stage left & leave no trace behind / Master Tatsu, Ninja Vanish by design / I identified you're not f***ing with I / the eye of beholder, this universe is mine / mind your own business, I'm universally kind / If I don't like it? I don't like it!, that shouldn't damage your pride / soft ass, sensitive suckas they wasting time / the airtime is limited, well already been dried / we've been digging loops, I'll flip em and redesign / we some sample chop kings but that's secondary to rhymes / Peace to 95' I've been poking the hive / agitating giants, the villains never survive / the skies open up when you learn to silence your mind / you could gain a new perspective by honing that triple eye / side stepping lies, they conscious in disguise / that "Sound of Tomorrow" has hypocritical vibes... / with eyes on the prize, you're reaching the wrong side and a balloon (Buhloone) mind state can only fly so high / tie down that ego, make sure it doesn't escape / or i'll be behind you to make sure that it deflates / play date with destiny, solitude is my fate / till the day one's taste is no longer considered hate (biiiiiitch)"

Backstory:

Picking up from the backstory of "Oh, Pen..." (with added context, interwoven in the backstories of songs from "Chill Gawd, Chill, "The Uproot" & "Traversal" available to read:

https://beta.catalog.works/dutchyyy

I'll do my best to not repeat my backstory so many times haha.

Long Story Long, I wrote and recorded two songs shortly after moving to Los Angeles (summer/fall 2012) and then completely stopped writing songs and hard pivoted to a Producer main (Dutchyyy) and informally retired the "Dutchmassive" chapter of my life. During my time (1st time) living in Los Angeles (Early 2012 - Spring 2014) I created "Chill Gawd, Chill" (120 minute Cassette) and Began my next album "The Uproot" towards the tail end of that Arc. At the same time, I was collecting beats from my favorite producers to "potentially" use if I ever decided to Record another Dutchmassive album. Now, being in Los Angeles around so many like minded, super talented creatives all making dope beats and doing shows weekly meant, I was in freestyle heaven, able to bounce spontaneous, fun, improv freestyles off other people (Something I never really had in Tampa after the 90's) While I had zero impulse or urge to ever sit (or walk) and purposely write a song. Getting in the habit of allowing myself to have fun with hip hop, just freestyling with friends flexing my improv muscle and scratching that ego driven / competitive / show off itch was a much needed change of pace. but........ there is a very distinct personality clash with most people I've met born and raised on the west coast that doesn't quite speak the same language as us overly expressive, ball busting (in jest/ out of love) speak your mind loudly east coast personalities. Which was something I've never really encountered before in excess living on the east coast. So there were definitely a lot of times where jokes or sincerity did not land and created friction. Around the end of 2013, My long term "Dutchmassive" fans were coming out of the woodwork, all vocally frustrated to see everything I was releasing was Instrumental. There was an enormous amount of pressure from long term and even new fans that recently stumbled on my debut solo album "Junk Planet" and they were bombarding me daily to please return to the vibe and style of that album I created as a teenager. I did my best to explain that while I'll always have that side of me that wants to call out B.S. The whole Ego Arc was loooong looooong past, and I'd never be able to replicate an album I created mid/late 90's in my teens, as a 30+ man that just wants to inspire people but I did my best to least semi play that role on social media to keep fans from completely jumping ship. At the same time, a lot of the more "conscious" people (mostly more mature women) in my circle, were yelling at me to dead all that public ego / bravado and just evolve into who I am currently and let the old fans move on if they don't like who I had been growing into.

I remember like yesterday, being at the airport, leaving Los Angeles to move back to Tampa Bay, and my friend "ReyofLight'' literally yelling at me on the phone about this. I Landed back In Tampa feeling confused, conflicted, pulled in all directions, and I had no idea how bad my short stay in Tampa was about to be.... I'm not even going to expand on that backstory, but fast forward a month or two and homie Sammy the Sleezbag hit me up after seeing and hearing about what I was dealing with and offered me a free room to stay in at his house in NY, the only stipulation was that while I'm there, I write and record new music. About a month into my stay, We drove out to meet up with people Celph Titled and Apathy of (The Demigodz / Army of the Pharaohs) who still made that super aggressive battle rap I was trying so hard to move on from. Apathy pulled me aside and said, he would produce a whole album for me, and not to worry about trying to be overly aggressive and lean into my more personal songs like "Bus Stop Building Block" or "Just me & my Walkman" cus that's his favorite version of me. I thanked him, and agreed and he sent me batches of beats to choose from. I ended up writing and recording two songs, one being a part two to "My own sh*t" from Junk Planet where I addressed in great detail the pull and push I was getting from fans to display an Ego through music I no longer possessed. Probably one the dopest songs I've written and homie Lord Digga (from Masta Ace) came through and laid a verse on the song as well.

A few days Later, My Pops, who I hadn't seen or spoken to since the early 2000's, saw I was living in NY and reached out to me, and asked If I wanted to come visit him for the weekend, since he lived like 90 minutes from where I was staying, I was very reluctant to reconnect but figured life is too short to hold grudges, and he came and picked me up........

The rest of this very transformative backstory is better read here:

https://medium.com/@SolarSounds/shawangunk-stomp-the-story-of-dutchyyys-uproot-4235a4eb66ff

but Long Story Short... I Promised Sam I would write and record a song for this historic album/mixtape he was A&Ring for years, getting verses from Golden Era and Independent HipHop Legends.... He begged me to please, just give him one last "Take no shit / attack mode" Dutchmassive verse, but I was happy and in a good space.. So I channeled all the energy into calling out the hypocritical B.S. that was happening after I left Los Angeles, as the scene pivoted from beat scene, to future bass / mashup / remix culture with a dash of insane twitter ego and told same, I'm announcing my retirement as Dutchmassive in this song just to let you know haha.

Secretly I was stacking beats from homies at a more rapid pace, to begin a new album minus the Dutchmassive name and the expectations that came with it.

This would be the very last song, that I both, wrote and officially recorded as Dutchmassive up until this date (6/01/2023)

The Private Nature Preserve I was living at in upstate NY w/ my Father, where I grew, healed spiritually, and felt at peace, was suddenly bought out by the State, and we had to move with a week's notice. A few months later, I ended up back in the place I kept trying to escape haha, Tampa, Florida.. Where I would return to an insane amount of trauma and hardship once again, but also finished and released "Traversal" ....... and now the entire reason, I minted this song and "Oh, Pen..."

I already explained that I have never been able to sit inside and write lyrics.. but I don't think I mentioned the part about how I wrote lyrics since the mid 90's... Back then, I had a Sony Walkman that came with a lapel mic. So my version of writing lyrics was freestyling gibberish over and over and letting myself piece together the cohesive parts on paper later. After smartphones became a thing, I pivoted to doing this via voice memo... The Problem with this method was you could not play music on the phone and also record a voice memo, So I always had to walk around with the phone to record into, and a walkman, Cd player, ipod attached to a mini speaker for this work, or else I would never remember how my cadence was intended to me (which was always my most important first step with writing)... So here I am in Tampa once again, I Just released "Traversal" and the homie Fresh Daily, hit me up to be on Collab, and at the same time, the homie Astrological from PotatoheadPeople hit me up to record a song for their new album and the beat he sent me was perfect. Holding the phone, mp3 player and bluetooth speaker method was too distracting, So I looked everywhere to see if there was a work around on the android phones, where you could play and hear a beat, and record over on the phone.. It did not exist...... but my search led me to the TASCAM DR-05..........

So I went and copped one....

I've had the Tascam since the end of 2015, and have recorded hundreds of files on it. But I only used it one time, for its original intended purpose which was to write new songs...... "Planets in Orbit" would be the Actual last song I ever wrote, but write after I finished writing it, I got a call from homie Josh Jetson (Sunjet) telling me to move back out to Los Angeles and He has a Room for me as long as I need, 48 hrs Later, I'm living in Downtown Los Angeles..... April 2016..... I couldn't really focus on music, had no place to record that verse and had to find a job. Landed a Job doing the same thing I did for Warner Brothers but now for Netflix.. (MASTER QC) A month Later, My mother suddenly passed away, the same hour they pulled the plug, NetFlix fired me for posting an image on twitter of the Netflix logo (They geolocated it I guess) 48 hour later guess where I am....... Back In Tampa, Florida.... Where I would completely pivot my approach to creating music across the board. I had a major beef with finality, So I rebelled against it with every fiber of my being.... Continuing with a series I began after the first time I ever used the Tascam... The Daily Rambles.. from 2015-2022, I would secretly be recording daily freestyles, documenting the next 5 or 6 separate arcs of my life, with zero intention of ever letting anyone hear these recordings.. As they were a hybrid of my own personal journal and sandbag I would use to train and keep my creative juices flowing minus any pressure, expectations and just have fun while also being super super introspective and vulnerable between mumbling quietly in public where 90 percent of these were recorded. At the Same time, I stopped Releasing official albums, and began #EvolvingPortals which is the same concept as DailyRambles / The Reluctant Clap.... 1 take, live, long form recordings of the entire process of working on music, mistakes and all and riding the unknown like it's the main instrument.......

There is so much context I'm leaving out, It's too heavy, embarrassing and scary.....None of these were Recorded with the intention of being heard by the public....that was the whole point. The Freestyles were my safe space to express all the things I was too proud to share with the world. But if you've been following my journey since 2017/2018 you can tell I'm in preserve the legacy mode, on my own terms because tomorrow is never promised, So DailyRambles/EvolvingPortals have been my way to stay 100% present in the flowstate, to escape the embarrassing and unbearable painful reality that my body is failing at a rapid rate and degrading exponentially, and I'm way too prideful to tell people how bad it really is, and equally prideful and have had a fear that If I make all these recordings public, people won't understand the context and think they are written songs, when every single one is 100% improv and also not meant to be shared hahaha. As my health got worse the past few years, I contemplated secretly releasing them all under an alias..... That alias become "The Reluctant Clap"

I was recently inspired by my friend Cxy that what I've accomplished documenting consistently in private is beyond special and deserves to be heard. To drop my pride and fear and let anyone patient enough to sit through hours of chronological creative context into my most personal and unfiltered thoughts.... There's so much more context hahah, I should have saved all this for when they actually drop.

An overload of evolving Context all linked together....

BY DESIGN.

***THIS SONG IS BEING UPLOADED FOR ACCURATE WORLD BUILDING CONTEXT ONLY, TO EXIST LONG AFTER I DO NOT. THIS SONG CANNOT BE BID ON, BOUGHT OR COLLECTED IN THIS FORM.

Thank you to anyone who takes time to listen and read all of these.

• Dutch

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SEARCHING FOR A SAVE POINT - Dutchyyy

Executive Producer: C.Y. LEE