'Wish I never existe...

'Wish I never existed'

• Do no harm! This was often said by a good friend and the best pain therapist I know... 'Do no harm' was also his reason to leave his job and become a welder. He was the cause hundreds of people could have happiness and fulfillment without chronic life-disturbing pain, but he could occasionally be wrong and he could not bear to make mistake, possibly harmful.

'Do not harm' is like a poisonous dagger disabling my mind every time I am reminded of all the pain my actions or idleness or weakness have caused... a painful, burning, paralyzing dagger that keep making holes in my sanity.

I was probably hiding from this pain by escaping In the fantasy world of games and movies for some time... but life is demanding... I was needed present and when I had to face it in my full consciousness, I could not bear it. I was in panic. I was in anger, I needed to hurt and the primal way to handle this provoked self harming. A form of the instinct to bite your hand while your wounds gets stiched... Carefully and in control Inflicting pain with pointy stuff or hitting my quads with bars or actual biting or hitting... A lot of hitting... walls, doors, floors or any stuff I won't break. Hitting strong enough to have my palms aching for a day and still not that strong to break a bone as ... Life is demanding... I was needed healthy.

Then came the fear... the fear that despite my superhuman efforts not to, I was still producing harm and will keep to do it! I was unfit to live. I had to end this... I never cared for my pain or my happiness or any success, whatever this means, I was not searching for fulfillment... I still don't care for any of these... For my trueself it is all the same. And don't get me wrong, I can laugh at jokes, or dance on good music or smile and enjoy any win or moment of joy, but deep inside I don't care if I will have this moments or stay with myself in a cage or just die...I can do all of this with the same alien ruthlessness to my existence. The only thing that would matter were the others...

Do I do harm and am l needed and what was more important...

This was cycling trough my mind while I was looking at the street 20 meters under my window, mixed with some physics of the perfect jump so I don't end up in a hospital bed making more trouble.

I may look like a Brute, but I am a coward. I did nothing, nothing less than embracing the pain and pushing my body and mind over the limits, hoping they will eventually stop working and leave me for good and dreaming... dreaming for a better world where I never existed.

June 21, 2022. Bruta

// Unedited thoughs