Confused as Fuck

I have been a bit out of my mind and Blown Away that it is over.

It’s been 40 days and 40 nights and it's still coming down on me”

I am still “Blown Away” that we are even here in this place of separation. These pieces of work demonstrate the inner battle I was having every day, somewhat still having. At least now, I feel a bit more grounded. I really felt out of my mind, in fight or flight, in love, heartbroken, angry, abandoned, dreams shattered, my future blown up, tossed out, given up on. I was in and out of compassion, angry as fuck and still somewhat confused. None of it adds up. I feel blind sighted. I really believed he was dedicated to doing the hard work, to stop the habitual lying, crossing boundaries, abandoning me emotionally, curbing his anger and defensive nature, to the point he would make things up just to prove he was right. Not to mention the denying of past offenses. All this and now throwing me under the bus to our daughter and family members, just like he did many years ago, not being honest about the true nature of why it is we broke up. We had a domestic violent relationship 20 years ago, while it was not to the same extent, it was definitely and eye opener to how naive and trusting I used to once be.

I am luckily not to be in this extreme state of stress today. I recently did a 1 on 1 breath work journey and it has help me move some of the heavy sticky, stuck energy and pain that is not serving me. I have deep shame and embarrassment for my situation. I was hurting deep down because I have a part in allowing this behavior. I was conscious and aware yet accepting and forgiving over and over and over again.

If we don’t find a way to move the trauma, it will stay stuck and grow in you like cancer. I believe we manifest our own dis-ease and we have the ability to heal ourselves, through setting boundaries and keeping self-care a priority.

I didn’t listen to my guts on a few things. I chose to believe a lie. I went again my intuition. To many times I have not listened to my guts, at the expense of harm because I didn’t have options, or thought, I didn’t have options.

If you are experiencing emotional abuse, and have no family like me, you can get help, you can go to a transition house and you can find support in your community and regain your strength and independence. Feel free to reach out if you would like to talk about this.

Thank you for your consideration on this piece.